(Below is a polemic against King James Onlyism and the tendency it has to foster misunderstanding of biblical texts. One fruit of this is Arminianism. I write this having a very godly KJ-Preferred (not Only) mother who was instrumental in my conversion like Monica was to Augustine; having fond memories of the Lord using the KJV in my early years as a Christian; having KJV verses hidden in my heart; having a greater fondness for men and women who wrote in the era of the Geneva Bible and KJV in their height of use and popularity; and having very godly and sacrificial KJVO missionary friends whom I highly respect.

This does not proceed from lack of acquaintance or fondness or respect for KJV and those who own it, though this post is satirical, and hence comedic. This comes from a sincere desire to stir up loved ones to honestly ask themselves if they are consistent in their beliefs, practices, and expectations of others. This, more than anything, comes from a desire to stir up Cultic KJ-Onlyists (like all Black Hebrew Israelites, most cults who abuse the KJV, and some Independent Fundamental Baptists) to see how lightyears off they are from reality. With deep love for family and friends, brothers and sister, I desire that all would come away from KJ-Onlyism and Arminianism, which is nearer to resembling Rome than historic, Reformational, biblical Christianity.

I ask you, dear reader: Are the situations below realistic? Do KJVO adherents use KJV language contextually, casually, practically? What are normal misunderstandings of King James English and the sense of words?)

Sunday, At the Main Meeting (Comfort, Comfort Baptist Church)

Preacher: “Some of you are ‘wonton!’ You’re like a ‘whited sepulcher!’ You may come to church on Sunday, bow your head and say your prayers Wednesday, but where are you ‘wont to haunt’ every other day? At the tavern you’re a ‘winebibber’, and at church you sing more than a wizard ‘peeps’. I can ‘tell’ all the places you’ve been as one can ‘tell’ the towers of Zion!

Tuesday, During Counselling

Brother 1: “My wife isn’t the ‘loving hind’ I envisioned before we were married. I could give you ‘divers’ ‘ensamples’, but basically, ‘without’ she has ‘broided’ hair, but within she ‘hath’ a heart full of ‘filthy lucre.’

Counsellor: “What! ‘I trow not!’ Where are your ‘bowels’?

Friday, At the Men’s Discipleship Meeting

Brother 1: “I can’t believe I have to say this, but I’ve been struggling with ‘lasciviousness’ and sometimes ‘concupiscence.’ I was so close to going out and ‘chambering’ last night. I wouldn’t have made it through the night if I wasn’t ‘holpen’ by the Lord.

Brother 2: “You think you’ve got problems. I’ve been struggling with ‘superfluity of naughtiness!'”

Brother 1: “You know I didn’t want to say this. I did go out with a girl…[sigh] and now I have ’emerods.'”

Moderator: “‘See thou do it not!’ ‘its better to marry than to burn.’ What are you gonna do, marry or burn in hell?”

Sunday Meeting (Blessed Hope of the Everlasting Rapture Baptist)

Preacher: “Notice, it says, ‘the word is nigh thee.’ It doesn’t say nigh unto thee, because unto would put too much distance between ‘nigh’ and ‘thee.’ It is ‘nigh thee!’ And if its ‘nigh thee’ no one can deny thee! Its so ‘nigh thee’ that you have the ability in your mouth and heart! You have a freewill, so don’t let those rascally Calvinists rob you of your inheritance…I am an Arminian [slams his bible onto the pulpit]! Why am I an Arminian? Because Moses and David and Ezra were Arminian! What ‘saith’ Moses? ‘Freewill offering.’ What ‘spake’ David? ‘Freewill offering.’ ‘Ho, such a one’ as Ezra- ‘Freewill offering!’ See, it says in Romans 8:29, ‘For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate’- oh, so we see here that He looked out to see who chose Him and on that basis He ‘did predestinate’; well, then I have no problem in answering the Calvinist that I believe in predestination…and they kinda look at me all funny. Then I say to them, ‘wot ye not’ that though the Lord controls the storm, ‘the helm’ is turned ‘withersoever the governor listeth’?

A Phone Conversation between friends

Friend 1: “Do you wanna put on some ‘gay clothing’,  get some ‘beeves’ and hit the ‘winefat’ tonight?”

Friend 2: “Do you think I’ve ‘waxed rich’? My part time pay ‘lets’ me from doing that kind of ‘mincing.’ Besides, I need new ‘mufflers.’

Friend 1: “Well, we could hang around the ‘flesh pots’ at my place.”

Friend 2: “Uuhh, remember last time we did that, and I got ‘burning ague’ and ‘neesings’?

Friend 1: “I’m ‘astonied!’ I thought that was all ‘vain jangling.’

Friend 2: “‘God forbid!’ I had a ‘botch’ that had to get ‘broilered’, ‘blains’ on my ‘armholes’, and I couldn’t ‘sit down to meat.’ Even now my ‘cogitations’ of it make me ‘sore afraid.’

Friend 1: “It’s just as well. My ‘whelps’ have ‘sackbut’ practise tonight anyways.”

Date night

Husband: “I was reading Song of Songs today and I thought of you, ‘My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.'”

Wife: “Hmmm, that was nice. What verse what that?”

Husband: “Song of Songs 5:4…NIV…just joking!” [Laugh]

Wife: [Giggle] “‘Get thee behind me Satan!'”

Husband: “Hehehe. Well,  I’m ‘hungerbitten!’ How long does it take to heat those ‘firepots’? Excuse me, dear, I have to ‘piss.'”

[2 minutes later]

Waiter: “Here you go. Did your husband take off, hehe?”

Wife: “No. Behold, he ‘pisseth against the wall.'”


(Reader, does this ‘bewray’ average, everyday ‘conversation’? ‘I trow not.’

If any are offended by what I’ve said, I did not mean to offend. And so, I apologize. I, too, was strongly KJ-Preferred. As I realized more that I didn’t understand what I was reading, that a “literal” translation does not mean word for word, and that God has always spoken to people in their language I was comfortable with making the switch. It only helped. I only want to help. May the Lord guide you.)

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